Not My Indiana Jones

I can't remember the last time a sequel made me question the movies that came previous to it in a franchise, but the midnight screening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX made me seriously reconsider the level of fandom that I've expressed for more than a decade now. You couldn't find a person more involved in the promotion of this 4th film up until 48 hours ago. Do you know how long I had been waiting for this? "All my life" as Indy said in The Last Crusade. But then, as quick screen time of Cate Blanchett or Karen Allen, the movie was over, and the clapping around me in the theater was more of a courtesy clap, than a roar of pure joy.

I've been running the movie over and over in my head for the past day, trying to understand what was so wrong? Was it the plot holes? Well there's so many I don't even know where to begin: be it Irina's ability to read minds that is merely uttered in the 3rd minute of the movie, never to be discussed again, or the CIA agents that inform Indy that he's going to be watched, yet disappear from the film entirely after about 15 minutes... that's not what really hurt this movie...

Was it the cheap set pieces? Well Indy's house looked pretty accurate, save the stock images of Sean Connery and Denholm Elliot that were the most obvious movie stills I've ever seen (which depart from Spielberg's tradition of truly fleshing characters out, like when he shows a picture of Indy and his dad circa the early 1900's and it looks truly authentic in The Last Crusade). No, the set pieces, though preposterous, were not what was hurting this film (and when I say preposterous I mean it--there's a couple of scene where unnamed indigenous people just come out walls like they've been waiting there for centuries, but they're merely flies to Indy...).

The CGI that took Indy into a new level of wackiness never even hinted at in the wacky Temple of Doom? This one isn't the main reason, but probably a near second. The animals were fake, and obviously give the movie an expiration date. Hollywood seems to have nailed down the nuclear explosion, but animals, or mammals to be more specific, seems to be something they still don't understand. Seriously, the prairie dog in this film looked so fake, you have to simply appreciate the nearly 15-year old Jurassic Park for the TRULY technical feats of it all even more.

Was it the bad guys? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? The idea of Soviet Commies is brilliant replacement for the Nazi's, albeit if exaggerated, but that's what these adventure movies are all about! No, no, the bad guys were an excellent addition to the movie.

So what was the problem? Pacing. Rhythm. The beats, baby. Do yourself a favor and jump on your favorite bit torrent downloader and get the complete soundtrack for the film. John Williams is all over the place on this one, but not by his doing, but by Steven Spielberg's insistence on showing 50 events simultaneously and still keep the audience's attention on Indy. Indiana Jones has taken a backseat on the most important action sequence in the film as his son Mutt (fucking awful name, and even worse pick, sorry Shia) Robin Hoods his way against Irina, and Marion drives the duckboat off the cliff, which is one of Indy's traits. He's supposed to be the one that makes people who don't want to jump...jump! Whether it be off a plane, or "left tunnel Indy, left tunnel!". John William's score couldn't feature the iconic Indy themes in it, because he wasn't on screen enough, and when he was, it was quick heaves, instead of paced gallups. You see, if you a look back at the original scores, there's one thing that becomes blatantly obvious: The adventure movie lends itself perfectly to the march! Every important action scene has a marching beat that's set by the rhythm the director Spielberg lays down. John Williams is a master composer, but the director laid all the tracks down to allow Williams to create the amazing score he did.

And the other blaring thing is that every Indiana Jones film has a theme! Whether is be the Ark's haunting rolls, or the chants of the black sleep-induced Thugees, or the Scherzo on the motorcycle through Austria, the movies have a theme that is instantly recognizable, and to take a step further, I would go as far as to say that when you listen to them, you can almost see the action because of the cues they rely on. Can you do that with William's score in Crystal Skull. Absolutely not, and it's tragic.

For those who use the science fiction as a scapegoat for complaining about what's wrong and blaming it all on Lucas (which I would have no problem with), that's just not the case. Indiana Jones lends himself perfectly to the concept of Aliens. The ending of Raiders basically screams "HEY, WE PUT THE ARK IN AREA 51"! But a MacGuffin must be a MacGuffin, and anyone that can honestly say there was a plot to how all the characters got to the Mayan ruins is simply lying to you. The movie was rushed, and actually had too much action (which might come as a surprise). Yes, there can be too much action, of which Temple is constantly accused of, but even Temple's scenes of dialog, are not just the breathers of Crystal Skull, but actually flesh out the film. Of course this all bring us back to rhythm. It simply wasn't there. It's as if Spielberg never took the time to watch his own movies, at least one more time before jumping into production, and simply forgot...or maybe he thought he was doing The Lost World (which is better than this).

I don't want to sound like 100% of the blame should be laid on Spielberg, because no matter what, a film is always a collaboration (but you'd think with his kind of power he could have kept a tight ship). But the one thing I won't do is blame any of this on Harrison Ford. Throughout the film the one thing he proved was that he was a team player, and was just as fit (if not fitter) than The Last Crusade. His comedic timing is also excellent and always under appreciated. The other blame can be laid on cinematographer Janusz Kamiński who had ABSOLUTELY no idea what Douglas Slocombe's dead-simple filming style entailed. Too many crane shots, coupled with tracking shots that's only purpose was the make up for the lack of plot were unforgivable, but the WORST thing that he did was to use Spielberg's dream effect. I'm not sure what the fuck that effect is good for, but every drop of sunlight beat off the characters in a haze that has given me nightmares the last two nights. Slocombe understood Harrison's face. He made love to Harrison's face with the camera, and that's one of the subtle, but unique Indiana Jones qualities that should not be overlooked.

Bottom line, there was a simple formula that had to be taken, and the filmmakers blew it in flying colors. Keep the CGI. Keep the bad guys. Hell, keep the MacGuffin. But if there were one thing I would go back and lose, is all the extra baggage that were the useless characters that Spielberg added for either nostalgia, unneeded character development, or paternal obsession. And I won't even go into the TRULY UNBELIEVABLE ENDING. There is so much more to be said on the film, and I may even have to go and see it again, just to understand what the fuck happened. What.The.Fuck.Happened?